I've taken time to think and at this
precise moment at 5 pm on a Wednesday things seem to be slightly
clearer. At least the utter helplessness and agonising despair of two
days ago has found its way to the back of my mind and doesn't
relentlessly haunt my every thought. If I don't actually voice my
biggest failures any more, then they are just lurking somewhere as a
huge hazy ball of mist and I can deal with huge hazy balls of mist as
long as they don't come and try to stifle me. Locking things up is
unfortunately easier said than done. I suppose wording the most burning
truths helped in some weird way to build the fence at least. I know the
exact wording makes me a pathetic outcast in my eyes as well as in the
society's eyes, so it's better not to have everything in clear and
simple, black and white because it hurts too much. Now there's still the
gate to build, but I don't think the gate will ever be strong enough
and I just have to live with that. I guess I have to thank the long
weekend for this unexpected sense of harsh clarity. Who knew what is
related to what and how and what to make of everything. The
rollercoaster of feelings and realisations I didn't know could pile up
as quickly as that, from a sense of pure elation and triumph to a
downright scary panic attack, made me aware that even though life is
hideously unfair, that even though I am not the person I want to be and
will never become that person, that even though I am about as naive,
clueless and foolish as can be, there might be something neutral in
every bad because it puts thoughts into perspective and forces things to
hit home whether you want them or not. What I learned long ago - the
higher you are the higher is the drop. So it's just much better to shut
things off and avoid the extremes. Reaching this tentatively peaceful
state where I am now, almost at the end of the holidays, without any
external aids, is an accomplishment in itself. Defining myself through
myself only is the key and the thing to pursue.
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